It is never easy for a child, no matter how old they are at the time, to hear a parent say they will never be proud of them. It is worse to hear the parent say they will go to their grave never being proud of them. Yet, I sit here only moments after hearing these words said to me. Again.
I generally do not have any regrets in my life. Yes, things have not turned out the way anyone had expected and yet I cannot say I would do anything differently. I think there are only two ways of looking at your departure from this world. You can revel in the materialistic goods you have acquired, the status you have earned, and admire the superficiality that create a sum or you can leave a legacy, no matter how small, of the person you were and the lives you touched. There are many things you can take from me, but my integrity and dignity is not one of them.
I look at my scattered career and know that I have launched pilot projects that have touched lives. I still keep in contact with former students who now have children of their own and they have thanked me for the time we had together. Students and co-workers always commented on the amount of time I spent getting to know each and every one of my students. I heard their stories and weaved them into what I knew they could become. It's always touching to hear my students thank me for my belief in them when no one else, including themselves, thought they would ever amount to anything.
I think of the people who would have committed suicide and in that very last moment turned to me and I held them in my arms or spoke to them on the phone. They thank me for the lives they have now. I also think of those I lost and know there is nothing more I could have done. In the end, I have saved more lives than I lost and no one (not even a superhero) can save everyone.
The only regrets I do have in my life made me a better person and in that regard I do not regret them. One example was I denied a chance to say goodbye to a loved one and now I always take the time to say how I feel about a person, because you never know when you may get that chance again. Don't you want your last moments with a person to be you telling them that you love them or at least something complimentary? I think it's important to take the time to thank people for a lovely time even if you have known them for decades. It's important to let them know they are valued even in a small way.
I have fought for equal rights in the workplace even at the risk of losing my own job. I think it's important no matter what race, gender, sexual orientation, religion or lack of one, that everyone is treated with respect and compassion. I advocated for a better life, because I know we are all capable of leaving this world a better place than we first came into it. I think once it's my time to go I can look back at all my moments and know that in my own way I left the world a slightly better place.
So when I think about my shattered dreams that have lingered over the last thirty years and prepare for a possible life without children, I am not scared. I may be the last in my line after so many generations, which is why I must endeavor to make it the best I can.
I have seen the worst humanity has to offer and things I dare not repeat due to their horrific nature, but I have also seen beautiful things that allow me the constant hope in humanity. In the end, it is always better to preserve the good, be just, and promote love.
So yes, it does tear at my soul a bit to hear a parent say they will never be proud of me. It's why I ring the other parent to hear they are proud so I can calm any fleeting insecurities. When I feel the tears come again and I am alone, there is someone else I turn to bring a smile to my face. It's Matt.
For some reason, I find the possible transition to a life without children easier when I see Matt with kids. He may be younger than me and a guy, but he's much better with them than I ever was even as a teacher. There's a reason I was a high school teacher and not a kindergarten one. There's something about the way he interacts with them and handles them that makes it somehow easier for me to see children without the pang of loss. I have yet to find the words to articulate what it is about him that makes it easier for me to process the whole thing, but I have found I can deal with children and other people's children much better.
His Doctor has also touched me in a way I didn't think possible. It's not simply his gift as an actor and the interpretation he has brought to the role, but something intrinsically different about him. He's almost otherworldly with this ancient soul and youthful face. I am, admittedly, at a loss for words to convey exactly what it is about his Doctor that has forever changed me.
I also feel a bit spent and can't find the right words to say how Matt as a person has influenced me. I know the day will come, but it isn't tonight. I can, however, say that I am ever so thankful I found him and that he is a glimmering light in my darkest times.
Then there are moments like tonight where all I really need to do is laugh to remind myself that life is not so bleak. We all need that consoling laugh that lifts our spirits once more. I found it not in the touching words Steven had to say about Matt, but in the words Matt had to say about Steven. You can read it here
I believe I have rambled on long enough for tonight and so shall retire for the evening.
No comments:
Post a Comment