I've always said discovering your first doctor is akin to finding your first love. Yes, there will be others in your life, but nothing is quite the same as your first. This post will be about my first.
Six months ago I slumped into my chair and decided to watch an episode of Doctor Who. My expectations were pretty low, but so many people recommended me to watch the show and I am always open to new things. I was pleasantly surprised it wasn't as horrific as I thought it would be. I could see why people would find it entertaining, but I was unaware that it was a children's show and thought too much of what I had seen was juvenile. Determined to find out why in the name of sanity anyone would recommend this show to me, I thought perhaps watching a later season would help. I went onto IMDB and read the plot synopsis for all the episodes of season one and then tried season two. I still couldn't be moved to watch the show. Feeling rather dejected and a tiny bit frustrated at wanting to like the show, but not really having the capability of doing so I tried one last measure.
The Eleventh Hour is not only masterfully written, directed and performed, it is when I first fell in love. Celebrities often talk about the distinction between character and performer. Audiences fall in love with the character and impose those ideals onto the actor hoping that by extension they are one of the same. Although all roles do have elements of the performer in them, another part of it comes from their imagination and interpretation. I think I was a bit more armoured by the actor than I was the character initially.
If we were to describe the episodes as dates, I would say The Eleventh Hour is like going to dinner on a blind date. You're not entirely sure about this person, but there is something charismatic and intriguing about them. You're having a good time, but you're not entirely sure if it's just a flook or first impression thing or it's an indication of something much more permanent and lasting. I left the date a bit unsure of the Doctor, but willing to give him a few other dates before I decide whether or not this relationship is going to last. I immediately felt quite different about Matt Smith. He held my fascination far beyond the show.
I immediately went online and scourged the internet for every conceivable video, article, interview, material of any sort on Matt Smith. The more I discovered about him, the more deeply I felt for him. In essence, it was Matt who persuaded me to give the Doctor a few more chances. Although I can't possibly say I know Matt on any level, I do feel a certain connection with the public persona he has presented.
By the time we got to Vincent, my feelings toward Matt and the Doctor began to merge. I fell for them equally on their own accord. The Doctor seduced me with his awkwardness and endeared me to him with his complexity. Matt swept me off my feet with his gift as an actor, remarkable nature as a human being and his interactions with children.
At the same time, I was genuinely falling more and more in love with my husband. I would see greatness in him that I had overlooked or taken for granted. I took more time to appreciate him and to strive to be a better wife. Although I could not explain why my marriage was hitting new strides at the same time I took on a new show, I knew that the more I spoke about Doctor Who the more I saw changes in my husband and better ones too. I think we have been happiest in these last six months than we have in the last nine years together. I can't really credit the show for this high, but I can at least wink at it.
I also got a job and the contract end within this time and it made me revaluate what I want to do with the rest of my life. I no longer seemed content with hoping for the best to come along and to try the same angles, but I needed something more concrete. I needed something tangible. I began to figure out a way to start making my husband and I's dreams a bit more real. I found strength where I thought there was none. I found energy when I thought all had been depleted from me. I made changes to ensure we would have something feasible to look forward to.
During this time, I was also consulting doctors in hopes of having a child. They gave me medication that made me so ill it required me to walk with a cane for months. My lifestyle had to change. I had to stop being a vegan and was ordered to eat steak breakfasts amongst other things. I did all of this in the hopes of having a child. It never really occurred to me that I wouldn't be able to do so. I had written diary entries to my unborn child when I was a child. I became a genealogist and even went to Sicily and Hong Kong/China to research my roots and see where my ancestors came from. Each day I would write diary entries again to that unborn child telling that what I had discovered and how excited I was to one day be able to share stories with them too.
Then we found out I may never have children. All my efforts were in vain. Yes, there's still a glimmer of hope but expectations do need to be altered. And like that over three decades of dreams and aspirations shattered. I realized I needed to learn how to transition to a new life without kids. I had to do so without ever resenting my husband and put in the same amount of energy into my marriage that I would into those imaginary kids to ensure we continue to ride this high and that we will continue as a couple until we are old and grey.
They say we dabble in celebrity crushes, because it is safe. We know we will never meet these people and if we do it will be in a fleeting moment. We will never have a rapport with them. You can indulge in any kind of fantasy or fancy that you like and once it simmers down you can just move on with your life. I think that is exactly what the Doctor and Matt provided. It was a solace and escape from the shattered dreams, health and employment issues, and unchartered territory in life's journey.
What surprised me is that these fantasies allowed me to come to terms with things I am not sure I would have in more conventional methods. The fairytale aspect of Moffat's Doctor Who allowed me to not only feel like a child once more, but to also get lost in a world with children and not mourn my own loss. It allowed me to go freely into the world and interact with children and family and friends who were either pregnant or had children without any kind of discomfort. Yes, there were days when I might cry in the shower or weep in bed over the life I was so hoping to bring into this world and the life that I would never meet. I had to mourn a little over the loss of life I thought I was brining into this world and the grieve the loss of life I had imagined for myself for over thirty years. In terms of complete and utter devastation, I never had that experience and I credit the Doctor and Matt for my ability to cope with it.
It's weird knowing family histories that date back generations into the Elizabethan and perhaps Renaissance time. It's weird knowing details about them and the world they lived in only to realize that after so many generations you are the last person standing. There is no more legacy. There are no more stories. This is the last one. It's weird knowing all the trials and tribulations these ancestors went through to preserve their legacy and all the horrors they had to endure and survive in order to make sure the lineage continues and yet it ends with you. To make it all the more sad, it's weird knowing you're one of two that really cares. The second person is your father and so it is expected you will outlast him too. In the end, all that history and all that legacy will vanish like a breath on a cold dreary day.
It's no wonder the Doctor's pain of being the last of his species somewhat resonates with me. I'm far from the last human in this world, but I am the last of my story. Seeing how the Doctor handles being the last has given me ideas on how to transition to me being the last.
I've always felt a bit out of sorts and a bit socially awkward. I get along with people fine and can make instant friends simply by standing next to them in line or some other mundane aspect of life. It still felt nice to see have a somewhat awkward person to follow through all of this as well. Matt seemed rather unpolished in his ways with the media and others. It's like he understands the basic principles and knows how to apply them, but it doesn't always come out the way he had intended. I loved him for being himself and often questioned those who remarked on his weirdness or eccentricities. He seemed normal to me and perfectly in the right and so it brought some solace to know there will always be one other person who sees the world slightly differently.
Since I still took many of my leads from Matt when it came to how far this relationship with the Doctor will go, it was his enthusiasm for the franchise as a new follower that enticed me to really give this Doctor my complete and utter commitment. I watched classic and NuWho episodes. Each doctor you meet is like meeting a new partner. You're never sure how far these dates are going to go. Sometimes you hit it off really well with one and not so much with another. Soon you have a string of potential partners and exes to some degree. All of them have a special place in your heart, but none so much as that first love.
I've seen posts saying true Doctor Who fans are loyal to the Doctor and not to an actor and I think there is an element of truth to that sentiment. I have every intention of continuing to watch the show once it returns in September. Considering a woman could actually get pregnant and conceive the child before the new season even begins, I have a feeling a bit of the furor over the show might diminish. I trust Peter to rekindle it as soon as we start anew.
I also think being smitten with Matt also leaves a certain legacy of its own as well. I plan to watch How To Catch a Monster when it comes out and to follow his career quite closely. I have all faith that only good things will come along his way as he continues to show everyone his astonishing abilities as an actor. If the rest of his filmography is any indication of what the future will bring, I am also confident these projects will be interesting, thought proving, and amazing.
Like any other relationship, it is always hard to let go. It will take some time before I'm ready to completely say goodbye to Eleven. Until then, I can at least remember the time when I first fell in love with The Doctor and the man who portrayed him.
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